Open Letter to Dwight Howard

Dear Mr. Self-appointed Super Man,

Congratulations on reaching the NBA finals. You and your team have worked hard this year and over the past couple years to turn the Orlando Magic franchise around, and you deserve respect for your basketball achievements. As you continue, however, to receive undisputed national media exposure, I find it very difficult not to respond to the endless amount of airtime you've been gifted.

It didn't take me long to conclude that you're the youthful, corporate, safe and malleable equivalent of The Admiral, David Robinson. Although he had a touch of class you don't, you display similar characteristics, which I imagine you'll take as a compliment, consistent with the Forrest Gump Complex; a kind of unaware bumbling through life, one "achievement" at a time, without ever stopping to think for yourself.

Instead of thinking for yourself, which you obviously believe you're doing, you rely on others to think for you. In your case it's the NBA, Disney, ABC and ESPN whom you allow to mold you into exactly what they want, a huge man who will, without question, go out and score 15-20 points, grab 20 rebounds and block a few shots, and, basically, whatever else they ask you; make them exponentially more wealthy and make a fool out of yourself. If you can find it, see for yourself Dwight singing Happy Mother's Day on national television.

Producer: No Dwight. That joke isn't funny. Ok? We told you once. If we have to tell you again, you're never gonna get that puppet. Clear?

Dwight: Yes sir. Thank you, sir.

Aren't you already a kind of puppet? I'm sorry, but if I asked anyone in the business of education if you are the type of person they'd want to be teaching their kids, what do you think they'd say? They would say hell no, Dwight. Hell. No. Well, maybe if they were appointed by the Bush administration.

My main beef with you is that you don't swear. I find that clean-cut, misguided christian rock flailing for spiritual purity, which you and many others police with a self-righteous, moral superiority over people of a "lesser" integrity, intolerable and frankly, stupid. It doesn't make any sense.

It is, however, complicit with every sort of conservative and liberal politician, religious leader and league official (all corporate executives) whom, in addition to abusing language to maintain power, like their information and their entertainment whitewashed of anything reminding them they're human: violence, sex, music, etc. Why? Because they get paid. Just like you.

And people buy their products because they're easy and do not challenge anything or anyone. All things major corporations would like us to forget about because if we knew the lengths to which they go to make a profit, we wouldn't buy their shit.

I really don't need another one of those footsteps posters. No really, I don't.

Meanwhile, Lebron - arguably the most charismatic and likeable superstar in the NBA besides Kevin Garnett - is sadly out of the playoffs. So now we're left all alone with Kobe Bryant and you. No wonder the NBA, Disney, ESPN and ABC would choose, hands down, Dwight Howard as the face for their franchise's "undermining the notion of nobility" mission:

to be one of the world's leading producers and providers of entertainment and information. Using our portfolio of brands to differentiate our content, services and consumer products, we seek to develop the most creative, innovative and profitable entertainment experiences and related products in the world,

you've never been charged with rape.

And you'll hop on board without even a touch of self-integrity or critical imagination, which is probably why it was an ethical dilemma for Jim Brown to show up at one of your games in Cleveland. He, on the other hand, doesn't recognize the eleventh commandment which reads, thou shalt religiously vote against the interests of thyself.

If you had any idea what Walt Disney was like as a human being, man, you would know that you are working for one of the most traditionally race-based and evangelical value-based organizations this side of the KKK. If you even had one person around you who was not in awe by your size and net-worth, you might know this and we wouldn't have to put up with your commercials and PR spots.

Plus, Lebron, KG and Dwayne Wade are pretty classy fellows. They all have the intellectual faculties to analyze situations and move quickly. I'm not convinced you do, which is why my most urgent questions to you are: why is it good to tow conservative, corporate and religious lines with the blind faith of a lemming? Why is it GOOD not to swear? What is good about faith? Just watch this video of yourself again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glnof6chKbU

First off: could you really make that shot? Second off: are you serious?

To be completely honest, Dwight, I do not have any problems with you as a person. I have never met you. Instead, I have a problem with everything you stand for and the people that you willingly represent. You are an example. I feel responsible as an American to say something about you, fellow American, who happens to be representing me on the world stage as a model of American citizenship.

And from here, you seem to embody the same brand loyalty a Best Buy cell phone douche personifies; the thoughtless consumerism of the perfect customer. This is a pandemic as far as I'm concerned and it seems, to me, that you are just another zombie chasing Michael Jordan's Hanes. By saying something, I'm doing you a favor. I hope I'm wrong.

Sincerely,

The Jesus Formerly Known as AC Green

P.S. Wouldn't God have turned himself in for that goal tend? You reached through the hoop, man.