Baseball: 'merican as an occupied territory

Nothing says 'merican more than saying I hate soccer. Well maybe not nothing. I'm positive future arsonists chanting U-S-A at a summer-league baseball game between the St.Cloud River Bats and the Thunder Bay Border Cats is up there. But hate and soccer in the same sentence? Now that's 'merican.

So what's the problem with "soccer" again? I got drunk at Pit-Stops in Poughkeepsie, NY to find out. After saddling up to the bar and ordering a Coors Light, I began talking with regular Pit-Stopper Anthony Calliguloni, a teamster from White Plains who had to say of soccer, I'll tell you what, it's boring and there's no action. His buddy Franky "Nobody, but nobody" Del Franzia had similar thoughts, You know. They just run around for, like, ya know, like, three hours or sump-thin. Thanks guys, real original.

A person can find these guys everywhere. Real sports fans who punch me in the face when I mistake Hey look at those buffalo wings for a reference to two Russian guys with mullets one table over. Real fans who like hockey and professional wrestling. Real fans who laud American football for its intensity and action and read The New York Times, USA Today, The Daily News, The Washington Post, The Boston Herald and The Star Tribune for their un-wavering coverage of baseball, nascar and domestic politics.

The Three People I'll Meet in Hell: George Will, Sid Hartman and that guy who wrote Tuesdays With Morrie.

Let's not forget about The Pioneer Press, whose idea of rigorous, hard-nosed reportage is a story about local craft-store entrepreneur Nancy Jansen of Pequot Lakes finding her cat Mitsy in a neighbor's old Bayliner. Hear Garrison Keillor's uffdah? I can.

Here's the thing. Two major sporting events took place yesterday: The European Champion's League final between Manchester United and Barcelona and Game 5 of the NBA's Western Conference finals between the LA Lakers and the Denver Nuggets. Yet when I open to the The Daily News' sports page in the morning, a photo of the Mets' Daniel Murphy is staring right at me. Daniel Who-the-fuck?

And the story? The headline reads: Deja Review: Mets win as another video replay gives them sweep of fuming Nats. Subheading: Daniel Murphy applauds as umps reverse field and award him two-run homer following video review in Mets' crazy 7-4 win last night at Citi Field. Seriously people. Who. Gives. A. Shit. This is one game, ONE GAME, in THE most exhausting regular season in the world. Not even cricket can say that and their games last for days. And the outcome? The valiant Mets advance to play their next 90 regular season games. Phew.

In fact, The Daily News did not even mention the match. Not once. They did cover tennis and the need for LeBron James to play for the Knicks. Give me one team that does not need King James, Lieutenant Rumor Mill. Just one. The Reds? I'm sure he could help them out.

I'm of the mind that believes not-talking about major world events is a clear example of the limp-dicked, clock-punching media in this country and it's corporate and government owned publishers refusing to acknowledge there is a world beyond the borders of U-S-A. Of course these rags I've mentioned have international coverage. Some are quite good. But the same stubborn, hyper-patriotism cramming shit down our throats like baseball and it's conservative life-lessons is spreading Freedom and Democracy with a Kalashnikov and a morning raid in countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Israel and Palestine. And has been for centuries. See Latin America and Native Americans.

Stay tuned. I'm sure Somalia will need a little dose of democracy pretty soon. We'll send USAID over there with new gloves and Eastons and report that we are saving lives with a snapshot of some ass playing catch with a kid from Minneapolis who happens to be Somali, while we install a democratic leader because they like baseball and hamburgers. I can see it now, the Mogadishu Market Muggers versus the small market cinderellas (or should I say Ashantis?) Bender Cassim Commerce Busters.

Failing to adequately cover the Champions League Final is obviously the work of a very savvy editorial board selling papers to a demographic who couldn't give two shits about soccer or newspapers, but that's the problem. THE REST OF THE WORLD gives more than two shits. Even Canada. And so should you.