Faried Zakaria

Game 2

In the age of hyperanalysis and short attention spans, there has been much a) hand-wringing, and b) salivating, depending on which side of the "Good vs. Evil" debate you fall,  over the Miami Heat's victory in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. I still say Thunder in 6. Here's what had to happen for Miami to win last game:

They had to: 

1. Jump out to an 18-2 lead. 

2. Have Durant and Westbrook get into early foul trouble and sit for large portions of the first quarter. 

3. Have Thabo Sefolosha miss multiple dunks. 

4. Have Durant pick up his 5th foul with about 10 minutes left in the game, essentially making it 5-on-4 for Miami on offense. 

5. Have OKC miss an inordinate amount of FTs for the best FT-shooting team in the league. 

6. Have Westbrook and Harden (two of the best and most clutch free throw shooters in the league) miss crunch-time FTs. 

7. Have Battier bank in a 3 from 27 feet out. 

8. Have Lebron bank in a baseline jumper from 15. 

9. Shoot 47% for the game, hold OKC to 43%. 

With all that, it took a sequence where Lebron hacked KD across both arms, and then Westbrook got hacked going for what would have been his board, for Miami to hold on and win a game where they were up double digits with about 8 minutes left. I can't see all those breaks going Miami's way again. I do think Lebron will singlehandedly win a game for Miami, but I wouldn't be surprised if OKC takes Games 3 and 5 in Miami, then comes home to close it out.

Name of Thrones

Ojai Noelle, Nice to Meat You. The Mounds View Mustaines. The Brazilian Flap Jacks. These are words that may seem of no importance to you and perhaps to a large majority, you are in agreement. However these are team names. Team names of fantasy teams. Team names of fantasy NBA BASKETBALL teams to be exact. Which is the problem. These names and others are going unused right now due to the shenanigans of Players' Union rep Billy Hunter and perhaps more importantly David Stern and his cadre of owners.

I get it, most owners of fantasy teams are of the football variety. Hell, there are even baseball, soccer, hockey and I would suspect even WNBA and god forbid Arena Lacrosse leagues (if there is a God or some higher power deity out there, may they have mercy on your soul if you participate in a professional Lacrosse fantasy league, arena or not). For football types, you mostly get the type of humorous team names associated with safe middle of the road types akin to Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe or Occupy Herbstreit (truthfully I love both of these and by referencing them I am practically undermining this entire article, but what the hell) which is fine. Baseball fantasy team names? Those tend to be the CBS 2 and A Half Men type humors (which oddly enough is akin to Jay Leno humor which resides on NBC. Is it a wonder that NBC is dead last considering they cater their late night menu to the lowest common denominator as opposed to their prime time schedule). Names like the Albert Poo Holes and the Eva(n) Longorias

litter the landscape. The NBA fantasy team names are of the highest caliber and of the rapier-est wit known to man and akin to the type of low brow, yet highly intelligent humor you find on FX these days (i.e. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (yes, I see the irony in putting an analogy about the superiority of NBA Fantasy team names and comparing it to the funniness of networks and then turning around and using an example of a show that's about Fantasy NFL loosely.....yes, I see that very clearly. Thank you. (And yes, I do use parentheticals within parentheticals, I'm not sure that even qualifies as irony anymore)) and American Horror Story. Is this true? Maybe. Do I have facts to back this up? Of course. Is it all anecdotal? Absolutely. The point is, I'm at the absolute end of my rope and have resorted to literally getting goose bumps watching this:

and this:

to give me some sort of fix while my beloved NBA picks its ass in negotiating rooms in high end hotel banquet room in New York City. So I write and write to provide any reason, any reason whatsoever for the boys of winter to come back and play.
So ultimately I'm on hands and knees begging you. Please, before you make me write another late night, inane rambling/diatribe about all the reasons as to the necessity of my favorite league coming back, before you lose millions upon millions of dollars and before you wipe out all the good will of so many fans you brought back into the fold this past season, consider this Billy and David. We could end up watching this for the entire winter:

And that is pathetic. Let us exercise our minds in the splendor that is the NBA basketball game David and Billy. The name Goodbye Rubio Tuesday patiently awaits in all its glory.