Apropos of nothing...

Here's a hopeful thought/question: What would have to happen at TCF Bank Stadium today for Tim Brewster to get fired before next week?

I don't think just losing would do it. Losing along the cataclysmic lines of the 1983 Nebraska-Minnesota game (72-0) might do it.
Failing to literally show up might do it. (Not the figurative failing to show up, like they have done several times under Basement Brew).
Punching Lane Kiffin in the face might do it. (Although who doesn't want to do that?)
Removing one of the mascot's heads, flipping it upside down and voiding his bowels inside? Bingo.

At least now I have something to cheer for.

Also, I don't really have any reason for posting this video, except that it's awesome.

Tumult

So my friend Dave, who is an erstwhile contributor to the Page under the pseudonym Blog Reveiz, was born and raised in Cleveland until his family moved here while he was in elementary school. His dad is from Spain, and is one of the great soccer minds of the Twin Cities metro area. Hence, he is an unlikely melange of Timberwolves and Cavaliers fan, Indians and Browns fan, and Spanish soccer aficionado. (It is worth mentioning that his name is one letter away from David Villa's, the best player on the Spanish national team.) Thus, this was his past weekend.

Thursday, July 8, approximately 8:35 PM CDT: Heartbroken; Lebron James goes from being "The Chosen One" to "The Chosen One-Third" in Miami. May or may not have used his Lebron jersey to wipe his Paella-laden poopies from his behind.

Friday morning, July 9: Oddly optimistic; the Heat have to trade Michael Beasley to the Timberwolves in order to clear cap space to be able to sign, oh, 7 players.

Sunday, July 11, 3:30 CDT: Inebriatedly jubilant; the Spaniards along with his quasi-namesake claim the first World Cup title in their nation's history.

The lesson? As a Clevelandian-Minnesotan-Spanish-American, you win some, you lose most.

File Under: Zebras Changing Stripes Department

More proof that a zebra truly can't change its stripes:



What's next? Terrell Owens alienating teammates? Brett Favre faking an injury to get out of two-a-days? Chris Henry re-dying?

A Cautionary Tale

So, I took Gordon Beckham in the 6th round of our fantasy baseball draft this year. He is lighting it up so far this year. For proof, check out these stats: .199 batting average, 1 HR, 16 RBI, .255 slugging percentage. Other players available at this time included:

• Ubaldo Jimenez (taken 4 picks later), SP, Colorado; 14-1, 2.27 ERA, 1.08 WHIP, 107 K, 3 CG
  
• Brandon Phillips, (taken in the 10th round) 2B, Cincinnati; .306 BA, 11 HR, 28 RBI, 10 SB, 23 2B, 64 Runs Scored
  
• Jayson Werth (taken in the 7th round), OF, Philadelphia; .281 BA, 13 HR, 48 RBI, 51 Runs Scored, 26 2B
• Josh Hamilton (taken in the 8th round), OF, Texas; .342 BA, 21 HR, 62 RBI, 58 Runs scored, 23 2B, 6 SB
• Stephen Strasburg

I could go on, but you get the point. The lesson? Possibly that athletes who are named Beckham are inherently overrated by some, but perhaps a better lesson would be that I am never going to succeed in fantasy sports. A later column will be devoted to my foibles over the years in drafting for all fantasy sports, but for now, it is just too painful.

I suppose it could be worse, though. I could be a French soccer fan. Or this guy:

Square as a Pan of Fudge

That sports personalities over-romanticize their role and impact on the world is NOT a great secret. Players address their "role model" status on the daily, coaches are honored as philosophers and league officials project morality-syndromes on league policy. But, the Mitch Albomization of sports needs to end. Now. Take a look at Rick Reilly doing his best Mitch Albom impression:

Then, watch some of this:

I can't help thinking about the size of Albom's ears and all his talk about listening. I am not sure he hears anything at all, not even his own neatly packaged aphorisms for the people who don't like thinking.

So, Rick Reilly publishes a book about John Wooden on how to make love last. He'll give us a bunch of answers. People will scramble their lives trying to adhere to the opinions like dogma. And, in the end, nothing will have changed; these two guys line their pockets with the crocodile tears of someone else's stories.

Why stop with boycotting the All Star Game?

Senator Robert Menendez, a New Jersey Democrat who may or may not be affiliated with the Soprano crime family, has called on the Major League Baseball Players Union to boycott the 2011 MLB All-Star Game, on account of its scheduled locale of Phoenix, Arizona. Apparently, he has a beef with Arizona's proposed immigration law, which would criminalize brown-ness to a degree unseen since 9/12/01.

At the Pierre Page, we ask: Why stop there? There are all sorts of injustices to which the sporting world turns a blind eye. We suggest the following:

Boycott all games in Canada.

Did you know that Canada has so-called "socialized medicine"? If one of our blessed American athletes gets hurt in Canada, he may be out for months while simply waiting to see a Canadian "doctor". We need to make sure this doesn't happen by boycotting all Raptors and Blue Jays home games and starting our own hockey league. In fact, we will finish what the NHL wisely started twenty years ago and move the Canadiens to Poughkeepsie, the Canucks to Gary, the Oilers to Topeka, the Senators to Little Rock, the Flames to Boise, and the Maple Leafs to Mexico City.