File Under: Zebras Changing Stripes Department

More proof that a zebra truly can't change its stripes:



What's next? Terrell Owens alienating teammates? Brett Favre faking an injury to get out of two-a-days? Chris Henry re-dying?

A Cautionary Tale

So, I took Gordon Beckham in the 6th round of our fantasy baseball draft this year. He is lighting it up so far this year. For proof, check out these stats: .199 batting average, 1 HR, 16 RBI, .255 slugging percentage. Other players available at this time included:

• Ubaldo Jimenez (taken 4 picks later), SP, Colorado; 14-1, 2.27 ERA, 1.08 WHIP, 107 K, 3 CG
  
• Brandon Phillips, (taken in the 10th round) 2B, Cincinnati; .306 BA, 11 HR, 28 RBI, 10 SB, 23 2B, 64 Runs Scored
  
• Jayson Werth (taken in the 7th round), OF, Philadelphia; .281 BA, 13 HR, 48 RBI, 51 Runs Scored, 26 2B
• Josh Hamilton (taken in the 8th round), OF, Texas; .342 BA, 21 HR, 62 RBI, 58 Runs scored, 23 2B, 6 SB
• Stephen Strasburg

I could go on, but you get the point. The lesson? Possibly that athletes who are named Beckham are inherently overrated by some, but perhaps a better lesson would be that I am never going to succeed in fantasy sports. A later column will be devoted to my foibles over the years in drafting for all fantasy sports, but for now, it is just too painful.

I suppose it could be worse, though. I could be a French soccer fan. Or this guy:

Square as a Pan of Fudge

That sports personalities over-romanticize their role and impact on the world is NOT a great secret. Players address their "role model" status on the daily, coaches are honored as philosophers and league officials project morality-syndromes on league policy. But, the Mitch Albomization of sports needs to end. Now. Take a look at Rick Reilly doing his best Mitch Albom impression:

Then, watch some of this:

I can't help thinking about the size of Albom's ears and all his talk about listening. I am not sure he hears anything at all, not even his own neatly packaged aphorisms for the people who don't like thinking.

So, Rick Reilly publishes a book about John Wooden on how to make love last. He'll give us a bunch of answers. People will scramble their lives trying to adhere to the opinions like dogma. And, in the end, nothing will have changed; these two guys line their pockets with the crocodile tears of someone else's stories.

Why stop with boycotting the All Star Game?

Senator Robert Menendez, a New Jersey Democrat who may or may not be affiliated with the Soprano crime family, has called on the Major League Baseball Players Union to boycott the 2011 MLB All-Star Game, on account of its scheduled locale of Phoenix, Arizona. Apparently, he has a beef with Arizona's proposed immigration law, which would criminalize brown-ness to a degree unseen since 9/12/01.

At the Pierre Page, we ask: Why stop there? There are all sorts of injustices to which the sporting world turns a blind eye. We suggest the following:

Boycott all games in Canada.

Did you know that Canada has so-called "socialized medicine"? If one of our blessed American athletes gets hurt in Canada, he may be out for months while simply waiting to see a Canadian "doctor". We need to make sure this doesn't happen by boycotting all Raptors and Blue Jays home games and starting our own hockey league. In fact, we will finish what the NHL wisely started twenty years ago and move the Canadiens to Poughkeepsie, the Canucks to Gary, the Oilers to Topeka, the Senators to Little Rock, the Flames to Boise, and the Maple Leafs to Mexico City.

PIERRE PAGE EXCLUSIVE: THE TOP TEN ATHLETES WHOSE NAMES SOUND LIKE SEXUAL MANEUVERS

In the interests of promoting awareness of healthy sexual activity, we at the Pierre Page have compiled a list of the ten athletes whose names are most likely to be confused for sexual positions. We repeat: these are not actual sexual maneuvers. Please do not try these at home without a trained kinesthesiologist on call.

10. Rusty Kuntz

9. Rock Cartwright
8. Cleveland Gary

7. Reggie Miller

6. Dick Trickle
5. Ickey Woods
Oddly enough, though, The Ickey Shuffle is actually a sexual maneuver involving a football, Sam Wyche and a cheerleader.

4. Vai Sikahema
Vai Sikahema was a Tongan running back, and should not be confused with the sexual position where m'lady is having her way with two men at the same time.

3. Mosi Tatupu
If Mosi Tatupu was a sexual maneuver, and not a former Patriots running back, it would most certainly involving defacation, Girl Scout cookies, a liter of Powerade, four men and three women.

2. Usain Bolt
You can basically insert your own "minute man" or "the guy who always beats Gay" joke here. It's easy.

1. Magic Johnson
If this was a sexual maneuver, it would involve no-look passes, a lack of protection, baby skyhooks, and yelling the phrase "It's Showtime!"

Honorable mention: Rusty Wallace, Mookie Wilson, Les Straker, Jhonny Peralta, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Rabid Manu Ginobili

BATTER UP! WITH MANU GINOBILI

This news, out of San Antonio: Spurs forward and wet spaghetti noodle (copyright Kevin Harlan) is undergoing a series of vaccinations against rabies after swatting a bat that had invaded AT&T Center in San Antonio last Saturday night. Which is totally a bummer. I for one was looking forward to the prospects of having a rabid player in the NBA. Imagine the intimidation factor here: would you want to get in the way of an angry, unpredictable, frothing-at-the-mouth Argentinian as he made his way towards the lane? Would you be comfortable getting d'ed up by someone, knowing full well he might bite your arm? This could have been so awesome, Manu. Didn't we almost have it all?

See the article here

See totally awesome video of Manu swatting the bat here

PIERRE PAGE EXCLUSIVE: EX: A-ROD HANGS PORTRAITS OF HIMSELF AS CENTAUR (!!!!) OVER HIS BED

Today is a damn good day to have nothing to do. According to a highly respectable and valid news source, an Ex-girlfriend of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been quoted as saying, "He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"

Mark Cuban was right, what can't steroids do these days? And I thought Ron Artest was a douche.

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/ex-alex-rodriguez-had-portraits-of-himself-as-a-centaur-over-his-bed-20093010