Dear Mr. Goodell,
Greetings, and congratulations on nearing the start of what is sure to be another ultra-successful season in that sports-entertainment-business juggernaut, the National Football League. I am sure that when it is all said and done, it will be another money-making endeavor for you. I have become aware, however, that you are concerned with the reputation of the League vis-a-vis the players who make up said League. It seems that every other week, a new story comes out about a football star driving drunk/possessing a controlled substance/shooting someone/shooting their own leg.
Hence, it is as a public service to you, but more so, to the game that I love, that I propose a remedy to the "image problem" of the NFL. Ban the Forward Pass.
Think about it: How many of the image problems are caused by those mobile soap operas known as wide receivers? How many more are caused by that specialist in covering wide receivers, Adam (Don't Call Me Pacman) Jones?
A brief rundown of all the incidents involving WRs (we'll leave the Pac alone this time) in the past few years:
Most recently, and seemingly innocuous enough, Chad Ochocinco (nee Johnson) announced that goddamnit, his fans need to know his thoughts during football games, so he would be tweeting during games. Innocuous? Probably. Obnoxious? No more so than renaming yourself "Ochocinco" because the NFL won't otherwise put it on the back of your jersey.
March 14, 2009: Browns WR Donte' Stallworth kills a 59-year-old pedestrian while driving home drunk from a hotel party with at least one other wide receiver (Braylon Edwards) in attendance. (By the way, he says he didn't "feel drunk".)
November 28, 2008: The widely-known, fuckin' awesome incident where Giants WR Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg at a nightclub with an unregistered handgun that had apparently fallen from the waistband of his sweatpants.
Terrell Owens. Oh, Terrell Owens. The overdose of hydrocordone? Pouting because the Eagles didn't do enough to celebrate your 100th career TD? Spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face? The sabotaging of several teams and seasons? The burning every bridge as you're crossing it?
Likewise, Brandon Marshall appears to be a walking domestic assault and drunk-driving machine, with arrests in March 2009, June 2008, March 2008, October 2007, March 2007, and Halloween 2004.
Wide Receiver Matt Jones was arrested in July of last year when found in possession of 6 grams of cocaine.
Randy Moss ran over a traffic control cop.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So, Mr. Goodell, I know that it may make the games less explosive, but it will lower your blood pressure. For the sake of pedestrians/motorists/potential spouses in every city that boasts an NFL franchise, do the communities a favor. Ban the forward pass.
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