THE JEFFREY FISHER SAYS: F*&% IT, DUDE

Hungry for a win? Why wait? Grab a Colts jersey.

After one of the most embarrassing losses in Jeff Fisher’s tenure as coach of the Tennessee Titans, 59-0 at the hands of Tom Brady and the Patriots, he tore off his frat-boy button-up and revealed a wha?!!! Wait, whaaa!?! A Peyton Manning jersey? Naaaah, that’s crazy.

When he introduced Dungy, Fisher took off his jacket and shirt, revealing a Manning Colts jersey underneath, saying, "I just wanted to feel like a winner." Luckily, all of this was done in the international waters of Charity and you know what they say about Charity: what happens in Charity, stays in Charity.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4582060&categoryid=2378529

CUBAN ON STEROIDS: THEY DO WONDERS, JUST ASK KEN CAMINITTI

After being overlooked for the lead in 300, Mark Cuban decides steroids are A-okay.

Mark Cuban has finally tipped the scales in favor of every one of his critics today by releasing statements at the University of Pittsburgh about the positive effects of steroids when administered properly. Little more than a regurgitation of arguments that keep the red-light district in Amsterdam so classy (red lights and regular pap smears are chic this fall), Cuban meditates, "I'm not an expert in the subject, but if we get to the point where there aren't long-term negative health impacts, why wouldn't you do it?" I guess when international players, the run-and-gun offense and Tim Thomas don’t work—steroids are as good as a savvy front office.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09294/1007101-275.stm

NBA TV LOSES DENTURES, HIRES COSBY SHOW FAN TO FIND THEM

NBA TV announced today a host of new content and extensive programming plans for the upcoming 2009-2010 NBA regular season. Hoping to rejuvenate bad ratings, NBA TV adds Three-time NBA Champion, Hall of Famer and Cosby-sweater connoisseur Kevin McHale to an already stellar crew, which includes Chris “Time-Out” Webber and Ernie Johnson. McHale, most recently with the Timberwolves, is best remembered for trading the entire Timberwolves team for the Boston Celtics over the course of two years.

http://www.nba.com/2009/news/10/21/mchale.nbatv/index.html

TOP-FIVE ATHLETE SEX-SCANDALS

ESPN’s Steve Phillips and co-worker Brooke Hundley outside her father’s, Todd Hundley, Batting Cage Emporium outside of Worcester, Mass.*

Shocking news from the glorious and unscrupulous New York Post today—Steve Phillips had an affair. It seems the analyst of the tainted and Harold Reynolds-less “Baseball Tonight” has been suspended from the network for his near fatal attraction to 22 year-old ESPN production assistant Brooke Hundley. Oh, and, his wife has filed for divorce. With this blunder Steve Phillips joins the ranks of some of the most Jerry Springer-esque sex-scandals in the world of sports that somehow out-scandal those of their politico friends with penchants for homo-erotic bathrooms, cigars and walks from Colorado to Argentina. Here are our top 5 athlete sex-scandals.

5. Kobe Bryant and Katelyn Faber

Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant apologizing to his wife, Vanessa, for his alleged assault in Colorado. Not pictured here, a gigantic purple ring that is a little-bit sorry and a lot shut-the-hell-up.

Kobe’s alleged assault could easily top this list if it were not for the seemingly mature way in which this ended: continued marriage, a fat ring, and a return to basketball success. Maybe Ms. Faber was wearing an NBA Championship ring and flattering Kobe with sweet-nothings about his unselfishness on the court. Cue “Single Ladies”.

4. Michael Jordan and Lisa Miceli

His Airness, Michael Jordan, smacking his lips at his mistress, Lisa Miceli.

Messy and down-right nasty, but let’s be honest. Michael Jordan having an affair. Yeah, and?

3. What do David Cone, Masturbation, and Rape have in common? They are all a damn good way to spend an off night.

"First of all, I'm not a raper," he says. "Second of all, I'm not a pervert. But these were the things that were being said and written about me.” Not pictured here, Wade Boggs and John Rocker.

This is quite possibly the most hilarious story of the bunch. Things Lynn Cone put up with: stories of Mr. Cone masturbating in the bullpen in New York, the accusation of rape in Philadelphia, more stories of masturbating in the bullpen in Kansas City—I have to say David, You certainly make this easy. From New York Magazine

Lynn Cone, who declined to be interviewed, recently directed the construction of the couple's year-round home in Greenwich. "Of course, our travel schedule is grueling," David Cone says, "so I can see now why it's so tough on relationships for professional athletes, and I can see why the divorce rate is really high."

2. Kirby Puckett, Laura Nygren and many other women

Kirrrrrbyyyyyyy Puuuuckett!

This has to be one of the worst stories surrounding sex in sports history. Drugged and bloated from Glaucoma, Kirby smacks a woman around. Then the flood gates open. Turns out he’s been doing it for years. Now, I don’t know how many women The Babe smacked around drunk on White Lightning or how many groupies from the Model T factory Ty Cobb spiked, but I do know Kirby Puckett, thanks to Frank DeFord, is one of the most tragic figures in sports history. Not as tragic as Isaiah Thomas, though.

1. Steve McNair and Sahel Kazemi

Really?

* While I am not sure whether Brooke Hundley is indeed Todd Hundley’s daughter, I am positive I know I do not know whether she is not Todd Hundley’s daughter.

Manny Ramirez: Idiot, Savant or Baseball Player?

This video is old, but still, can someone please tell me if Manny is a savant or a highly functional victim of Down's Syndrome? Dear Colleen Dominguez, shhh. The adults are talking. Either way, I still think Manny is the most pure baseball player in the game. It's a game, folks. Get over it.  

****CORRECTION****

It has come to my attention that in the past, I may have referred to Twins OF/1B Michael Cuddyer as "Mr. Anti-Clutch", "Sir Whiffs-a-Lot", or "A Child Molester". None of these things are in actuality true.

House Bears

I'm so rich, I can walk into a Club Monoco and buy tank tops, two at a time.

My doctor prescribed baseball instead of Ambien for insomnia.

My doctor is Peter Gammons.

The ESPN lineup:

I left some sports out because they don't matter.

Cole "Sore" Hammels sure does pound the strike zone.

National Football League analysts refuse to abbreviate any phrase including the word football.

I tell you what, watch how this football running back carries the football on the football field. If that's not a good football play from a great football player in the National Football League then I don't know what is.

That was sooo Dilfer.

They just found a shit load of peanut butter in Michael Vick's house.

Hey, hey, hey. Easy on the teeth, Sir Ruffs-a-lot.

Golf. Seriously?

Did you catch Rod Woodson's induction into the National Football League Hall of Fame?

How about Chris Drury's into the Little League Hall of Fame?

I can't wait to find out what happens to the Phoenix Coyotes!

What if they move to Canada?!

Glen Plake and Tony Hawk are making extreme sports reels sponsored by Mountain Dew.

If you can name one player in the Baltimore Orioles bullpen off the top of your head, I will send you a shiny silver dollar.