Today is a damn good day to have nothing to do. According to a highly respectable and valid news source, an Ex-girlfriend of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been quoted as saying, "He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"
If Ron Artest was not already one of the most ridiculous humans on the planet, this is the tipping point. PLEASE love the choreographed shot fake. Ron, you are dumb as a bag of fucking hammers.
The Pierre Page stands behind the brown baggers, though at a comfortable distance so as not to seem too gay.
Democracy and its principles should not be limited to public policy alone. Fans, like stakeholders and shareholders, should be reserved the same rights. One man, one vote. The Pierre Page supports Dawg Pound Mike, although issues a curt warning to Browns fans: no one is forcing you to live in Cleveland. Perhaps you should consider somewhere a bit less terrible, say, Contra Costa? Or maybe somewhere in the south, Michael Vick is no longer in Hotlanta, no need to worry about that whole dawg pound thing.
"I cleaned my room without being asked. Did my parents...umm...mention anything...errr not?"
"The General" Bob Knight seems to have it all wrong. After decades of winning Hoosier basketball games a la Christopher Walken in Biloxi Blues, the University of Indiana invited Coach Knight to attend the ceremony for his Hall of Fame induction and he, like a true ambassador, disrespectfully, declined.
Psychologically, the kind of relationship Knight has with power is often, to varying degrees, part of the forensic make-up of a violent criminal. Am I wrong to say that he is lucky the University of Indiana is not sanctioning his legacy with asterisks for issuing beat downs to young athletes, half his age, for most of his career and posing a serious threat on the campus if left unsupervised? I guess, who am I to judge.
Heraled Cuban lefty Aroldis Chapman met with the Red Sox recently and ESPN is reporting they "had a very good visit." To double check, The Pierre Page got a hold of his family, who live outside Havana, and asked them what they thought of the Red Sox offers and the possibility of Aroldis playing ball in Boston.
His brother Juan Pepe Che Guevarra Castro Chapman said, " I was offended by their lack of concern for the Cuban struggle. Our brothers and sisters and family members have died making the trip from Cuba to Miami. How can they ask that Aroldis defect again. Dios mio!"Either way, readers, it seems Aroldis is destined for stardom. The Jesus Formerly Known as AC Green in Boston. The Pierre Page.
Hey Mark, where did you get that milk? Andre Agassi's friend Slim, responds McGwire.
Mark McGwire has been named the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach for the 2010-2011 Major League Baseball season. Strangely enough, when asked about the reasons behind his choice of McGwire, Tony LaRussa said, "it is based on the United States current climate of change. I feel guys like us, Mark and I, have been victimized for too long now for lowercase and uppercase letters in our last names. Reporters are always asking us ' how do you spell that again' and 'why is one letter a lower case and the other is upper case?'" When asked about his decision to fire lowercase-uppercase-American Hal McCrae, LaRussa cited his recent marriage to a woman who refused to take McCrae's last name. "I told him not to go through with it" LaRussa lamented. "He should have more respect for our struggle."
After Chiefs Running Back Larry Johnson called head coach Todd Haley a bundle of kindling a couple times in a 24 hour period, tensions ran fierce in Kansas City. Openly gay commissioner of language, John Clayton of ESPN, calls the slurs "unsportsmanlike" and "hurtful." The Chiefs front office, known for their zero tolerance on emasculation, took a Judge Joe Brown creative punishment stance, "We will ask that Larry Johnson host this years Oscar party in our team loft in New York's Chelsea neighborhood. There will be Bellini's. There will be a Best Dressed contest. If Larry chooses not to accept his sentence, we will react accordingly." Johnson, 75 yards shy of the Kansas City all-time rushing record, will have ten days to appeal.
That young girl may think she is hugging a friend, you just wait missy. You just wait.
Game 1 of the World Series was set to be a gem according to any and all New Yorkers. At home in the Bronx and with C.C. "Music Factory" Sabathia on the mound, the Yankees were all but guaranteed a victory. Instead, former Indians teammate and fellow Cy Young award winner Cliff Lee pitches a cool 1 run, 9 inning gem to hold off the first Yankees World Series victory since 2000 for a few more weeks.
Wah. As the entire New York metro area was geared up for the win, one could hear the collective sounds of sirens and abusive Brooklynites clambor into the autumn night. Beer bottles smashing along Court Street in Carroll Gardens. Plastic stadium bottles bouncing off of subway cars in the Bronx. If you think your contractor is going to get that basement finished today, you better think again.
I would like to publicly laud those Fox Sports executives, who, in the face of overwhelming public opposition, remain committed to finding innovative and creative outlets for the Football Robot. It's awesome, now he's in commercials with the Burger King, he's playing fucking air guitar, he's dancing on Mother Teresa's grave! When was the last time something so stupid lasted so long? The Bush Presidency? The Noid?
So this headline was on cnnsi.com, I want you to try and guess which sport it's from:
Police look for fan who bit man's ear off at game
If you guessed that it was at a Manchester United football/soccer game, then congratulations! You win an honorary doctorate in nutball psychology from Hollywood Upstairs Medical Clinic.
Seriously, though, in what other sport do things like this happen, not among the athletes, who can sometimes get carried away in the emotions of the game, but among fans? For all their supposed "craziness", Raider Nation has never divorced anyone from their auditory apparatus.
I remember when Sports Illustrated was the premiere sports rag in the business. The football phones alone were reason enough to buy a subscription. Those times, however, are long gone. After years of SI's dwindling monopoly on sports journalism, the Pierre Page can no longer find a persuasive reason to read the magazine (or the website) or, god forbid, pay for an issue. That got me thinking, what are the best sports outlets in the United States (television, print, web, etc.)?
I guess the lesson in all this is DON'T take energy drinks from guys named Slim, Fast Eddie or I Blow Methie, Want Some:
According to an excerpt of the autobiography published Wednesday in The Times of London, the eight-time Grand Slam champion writes that he sent a letter to the ATP tour to explain the positive test, saying he accidentally drank from a soda spiked with meth by his assistant "Slim."
"Then I come to the central lie of the letter," Agassi writes. "I say that recently I drank accidentally from one of Slim's spiked sodas, unwittingly ingesting his drugs. I ask for understanding and leniency and hastily sign it: Sincerely
Last night's opening of the NBA season was full of headlines: LeBron and the Cavs fall to the Celtics despite a 38 point effort, "Agent Zero" Gilbert Arenas returns to Washington and drops 29 and 9 and Baron Davis does his best Jamal Lewis impression for the third year in a row and is still drafted by David Villar, GM of the longshot No Ordinary Loves in this year's Zlatko by Croatia NBA draft.***
the real beauty, however, of the NBA is found in the decision making skills of its quiet heroes, the role players like Glen "Big Baby" Davis who break their thumbs in SUV tussles with childhood friends, have surgery and get suspended from work. Ahhhh, see ya later baseball, let the NBA season rip.
***For more on this year's winners and losers of the fantasy draft, check out the Pierre Page exclusive interview with Matt Prom, GM of Wycked Sceptre, in our Conversation avec Pierre, available only at thepierrepage.blogspot.com.
Gopher Gospel 9:11 - "reiterate to Goldy the importance of exercising appropriate religious sensitivity in the future."
I guess when you are dressed in a Gopher costume, an homage to the late Soupy Sales does not go over very well with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Sales "the rubber-faced comedian whose anything-for-a-chuckle career was built on 20,000 pies to the face and 5,000 live TV appearances across a half-century of laughs" died yesterday. He was 83.
Rick Hendrick wonders if shaving Dale Earnhardt’s beard will shave time off his finish at Lowe’s Motor Speedway on Saturday Night. “I should’ve never told Dale about my wife’s thing for scruff.”
Although Rick Hendrick’s drivers hold the top three spots in the Sprint Cup standings and he is all but guaranteed his ninth championship, Hendrick can’t get one thing off his mind—the extreme makeover he promised Dale Earnhardt Jr. when he signed the popular Nascar driver in June of 2007. “I can’t get him to commit to a color combination” Hendrick worried. “It’s all those Wrangler ads he’s doing, telling him to keep that Marlboro beard. We’re not Marlboro, we’re Hendrick. I’ll turn this around, believe you me. “ http://sports.espn.go.com/rpm/nascar/cup/columns/story?columnist=newton_david&id=4582036
After one of the most embarrassing losses in Jeff Fisher’s tenure as coach of the Tennessee Titans, 59-0 at the hands of Tom Brady and the Patriots, he tore off his frat-boy button-up and revealed a wha?!!! Wait, whaaa!?! A Peyton Manning jersey? Naaaah, that’s crazy.
When he introduced Dungy, Fisher took off his jacket and shirt, revealing a Manning Colts jersey underneath, saying, "I just wanted to feel like a winner." Luckily, all of this was done in the international waters of Charity and you know what they say about Charity: what happens in Charity, stays in Charity. http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4582060&categoryid=2378529
After being overlooked for the lead in 300, Mark Cuban decides steroids are A-okay.
Mark Cuban has finally tipped the scales in favor of every one of his critics today by releasing statements at the University of Pittsburgh about the positive effects of steroids when administered properly. Little more than a regurgitation of arguments that keep the red-light district in Amsterdam so classy (red lights and regular pap smears are chic this fall), Cuban meditates, "I'm not an expert in the subject, but if we get to the point where there aren't long-term negative health impacts, why wouldn't you do it?" I guess when international players, the run-and-gun offense and Tim Thomas don’t work—steroids are as good as a savvy front office.
NBA TV announced today a host of new content and extensive programming plans for the upcoming 2009-2010 NBA regular season. Hoping to rejuvenate bad ratings, NBA TV adds Three-time NBA Champion, Hall of Famer and Cosby-sweater connoisseur Kevin McHale to an already stellar crew, which includes Chris “Time-Out” Webber and Ernie Johnson. McHale, most recently with the Timberwolves, is best remembered for trading the entire Timberwolves team for the Boston Celtics over the course of two years.
ESPN’s Steve Phillips and co-worker Brooke Hundley outside her father’s, Todd Hundley, Batting Cage Emporium outside of Worcester, Mass.*
Shocking news from the glorious and unscrupulous New York Post today—Steve Phillips had an affair. It seems the analyst of the tainted and Harold Reynolds-less “Baseball Tonight” has been suspended from the network for his near fatal attraction to 22 year-old ESPN production assistant Brooke Hundley. Oh, and, his wife has filed for divorce. With this blunder Steve Phillips joins the ranks of some of the most Jerry Springer-esque sex-scandals in the world of sports that somehow out-scandal those of their politico friends with penchants for homo-erotic bathrooms, cigars and walks from Colorado to Argentina. Here are our top 5 athlete sex-scandals.
5. Kobe Bryant and Katelyn Faber
Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant apologizing to his wife, Vanessa, for his alleged assault in Colorado. Not pictured here, a gigantic purple ring that is a little-bit sorry and a lot shut-the-hell-up.
Kobe’s alleged assault could easily top this list if it were not for the seemingly mature way in which this ended: continued marriage, a fat ring, and a return to basketball success. Maybe Ms. Faber was wearing an NBA Championship ring and flattering Kobe with sweet-nothings about his unselfishness on the court. Cue “Single Ladies”.
4. Michael Jordan and Lisa Miceli
His Airness, Michael Jordan, smacking his lips at his mistress, Lisa Miceli.
Messy and down-right nasty, but let’s be honest. Michael Jordan having an affair. Yeah, and?
3. What do David Cone, Masturbation, and Rape have in common?They are all a damn good way to spend an off night.
"First of all, I'm not a raper," he says. "Second of all, I'm not a pervert. But these were the things that were being said and written about me.” Not pictured here, Wade Boggs and John Rocker.
This is quite possibly the most hilarious story of the bunch. Things Lynn Cone put up with: stories of Mr. Cone masturbating in the bullpen in New York, the accusation of rape in Philadelphia, more stories of masturbating in the bullpen in Kansas City—I have to say David, You certainly make this easy. From New York Magazine
Lynn Cone, who declined to be interviewed, recently directed the construction of the couple's year-round home in Greenwich. "Of course, our travel schedule is grueling," David Cone says, "so I can see now why it's so tough on relationships for professional athletes, and I can see why the divorce rate is really high."
2.Kirby Puckett, Laura Nygren and many other women
Kirrrrrbyyyyyyy Puuuuckett!
This has to be one of the worst stories surrounding sex in sports history. Drugged and bloated from Glaucoma, Kirby smacks a woman around. Then the flood gates open. Turns out he’s been doing it for years. Now, I don’t know how many women The Babe smacked around drunk on White Lightning or how many groupies from the Model T factory Ty Cobb spiked, but I do know Kirby Puckett, thanks to Frank DeFord, is one of the most tragic figures in sports history. Not as tragic as Isaiah Thomas, though.
1. Steve McNair and Sahel Kazemi
Really?
* While I am not sure whether Brooke Hundley is indeed Todd Hundley’s daughter, I am positive I know I do not know whether she is not Todd Hundley’s daughter.
This video is old, but still, can someone please tell me if Manny is a savant or a highly functional victim of Down's Syndrome? Dear Colleen Dominguez, shhh. The adults are talking. Either way, I still think Manny is the most pure baseball player in the game. It's a game, folks. Get over it.
It has come to my attention that in the past, I may have referred to Twins OF/1B Michael Cuddyer as "Mr. Anti-Clutch", "Sir Whiffs-a-Lot", or "A Child Molester". None of these things are in actuality true.
Today is a damn good day to have nothing to do. According to a highly respectable and valid news source, an Ex-girlfriend of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been quoted as saying, "He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"
