Vikings Sign New QB

A little birdie has just landed on my windowsill and told me that the Minnesota Vikings, still reeling from their failed attempt to woo Brett Favre out of re-re-retirement, have checked down to their next option, signing Favre's backup at Oak Grove (Hattiesburg), Mississippi High School's quarterback, John Mark Weldy.

From Vikings head coach Brad Childress: "After assessing our team's needs, and failing to get a future Hall-of-Famer, I looked at our quarterback situation, realized I was fucked if I stayed with these two slappies, and went with the next best thing: that future Hall-of-Famer's backup."

The team had no comment on whether it was still content that it didn't more ardently pursue Jay Cutler, now the division rival Chicago Bears' starting signal-caller.

Rubio Overhyped?

This from Sid Hartman's column today in the Star Tribune: according to NBA agent Bill Duffy, one of the elder statesman of Minnesota sports' "close personal friends," Timberwolves draft pick/Spanish amoroso Ricky Rubio is "overhyped". (A sentiment echoed in the article by the finally former T-Wolves GM/coach/object of Glen Taylor's infatuation, Kevin McHale.)

Breathe deeply, bring yourselves back from the ledge, Wolves fans. While those of you who have followed the untimely demise of the Timberwolves over the past, say, 20 years may be quick to disregard anything K-Mac has to say about evaluating talent (the man let Chauncey Billups go while inking Troy Hudson and Marko Jaric to laughably large deals!), this insinuation from Duffy may carry a bit more weight. He's the guy who represents Steve Nash, after all.

If you read on, you find this nugget:

"To be honest with you, the other kid, Brandon Jennings, who played in Italy, ranked higher," said Duffy, referring to his client, a point guard who was picked 10th by Milwaukee. "I had three other first-round point guards, but I didn't have [Rubio] ranked that high. I think he is pretty good, but I think he might be a little hyped up."

That's the angle here: Duffy represents Jennings, and he had his client ranked higher! Stop the fucking presses! You wanted your client drafted higher, so he (and by extension, you) could get more money?

Tomorrow's breaking news from Sid: Drew Rosenhaus thinks Terrell Owens may be the best wide receiver in the NFL (or is at least tied with Plaxico Burress); Scott Boras thinks Manny Ramirez is the best baseball player of all time; Ari Gold thinks Vincent Chase should win an Oscar.

Thanks for wasting my time, Sid.

The Invisible Hand of Big Ben

Most Pierre Page readers are astute, thoughtful and well-read. Hence, being followers of the Pierre Page in the first place. Our crack journalistic staff has garnered countless Peabody and Pulitzer awards for its journalistic integrity in the field of journalism. Articles uncovering the "Centennial High School Girls Softball Team Sex Scandal" and the "PGA/Dockers Relaxed Fit Pay for Pleats" scandal most notably come to mind when the subject of uncompromising sports journalism is discussed. The bottom line is that the Pierre Page is not afraid to write about the stories that other sports media outlets are afraid to cover. That is why our readers will be the first to be privy to the fact that the proverbial dark tunnel of our nation's recession has a veritable light at the end of its tunnel:



Barack Obama? Tim Geithner? Larry Summers? Um no. Perhaps new GM CEO Fritz Henderson? Or maybe even upstart New York Times Economics Columnist and recent Nobel Prizer winner Paul Krugman? Again, you would be entering the wrong unemployment line on that one. No, according to the new media blitz by those at General Motors, their car corporation, and consequently the American automobile industry and the entire American economy, are going to be saved by the rocket arm and poise in the pocket of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

Now before, you start sympathizing with "Big Ben" as many of his fans have started to affectionately call him, for having, perhaps too much responsibility on his shoulders for the United States' and the rest of the world's economic recession solutions, keep in mind a couple of facts. First, Mr. Roethlisberger has a degree from the Miami University of Ohio in Physical Education. Clearly the man will be able to grasp the intricacies of macro-economic policy due to his assuredly well-rounded education wherein learning the officiating of dodgeball matches was held in the highest esteem. Second, and perhaps most important, he is not taking on this mission alone. For Ben has enlisted the help of Ryan Howard, Cole Hamel and the rest of the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Their ability to hogpile after winning sports championships combined with Mr. Roethlisberger's ability to throw frozen ropes in the "Big Game" should be more than enough to carry General Motors, the United States Banking System and the rest of the global economy to prosperity and growth.

So while ESPN, Fox Sports and Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel have all led the public to follow such red herrings as steroids in baseball, the Michael Vick dog fighting fiasco and the Brian Cardinal sex tape scandal. We here at the Pierre Page are at the vanguard of truth, keeping you informed with the stories that truly shape your lives.

In solidarity,
The Pierre Page editorial staff

A Modest Proposal: Ban the Forward Pass

Dear Mr. Goodell,

Greetings, and congratulations on nearing the start of what is sure to be another ultra-successful season in that sports-entertainment-business juggernaut, the National Football League. I am sure that when it is all said and done, it will be another money-making endeavor for you. I have become aware, however, that you are concerned with the reputation of the League vis-a-vis the players who make up said League. It seems that every other week, a new story comes out about a football star driving drunk/possessing a controlled substance/shooting someone/shooting their own leg.

Hence, it is as a public service to you, but more so, to the game that I love, that I propose a remedy to the "image problem" of the NFL. Ban the Forward Pass.

Think about it: How many of the image problems are caused by those mobile soap operas known as wide receivers? How many more are caused by that specialist in covering wide receivers, Adam (Don't Call Me Pacman) Jones?

A brief rundown of all the incidents involving WRs (we'll leave the Pac alone this time) in the past few years:

Most recently, and seemingly innocuous enough, Chad Ochocinco (nee Johnson) announced that goddamnit, his fans need to know his thoughts during football games, so he would be tweeting during games. Innocuous? Probably. Obnoxious? No more so than renaming yourself "Ochocinco" because the NFL won't otherwise put it on the back of your jersey.

March 14, 2009: Browns WR Donte' Stallworth kills a 59-year-old pedestrian while driving home drunk from a hotel party with at least one other wide receiver (Braylon Edwards) in attendance. (By the way, he says he didn't "feel drunk".)

November 28, 2008: The widely-known, fuckin' awesome incident where Giants WR Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg at a nightclub with an unregistered handgun that had apparently fallen from the waistband of his sweatpants.

Terrell Owens. Oh, Terrell Owens. The overdose of hydrocordone? Pouting because the Eagles didn't do enough to celebrate your 100th career TD? Spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face? The sabotaging of several teams and seasons? The burning every bridge as you're crossing it?

Likewise, Brandon Marshall appears to be a walking domestic assault and drunk-driving machine, with arrests in March 2009, June 2008, March 2008, October 2007, March 2007, and Halloween 2004.

Wide Receiver Matt Jones was arrested in July of last year when found in possession of 6 grams of cocaine.

Randy Moss ran over a traffic control cop.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

So, Mr. Goodell, I know that it may make the games less explosive, but it will lower your blood pressure. For the sake of pedestrians/motorists/potential spouses in every city that boasts an NFL franchise, do the communities a favor. Ban the forward pass.

Legs on Post-Post-Neo-Reverse-Racism

Continuing our coverage of the ridiculous state of intelligent sporting analysis by ESPN, I present you with a little nugget, nay, a shimmering gem of a clip of Tim Legler waxing reverse-racism on the Mike and Mike ESPN Radio Show:

Of course the Pierre Page believes Timothy Eugene "Legs" Legler to be a very athletic and elite man, but we'd certainly LOVE to see that bell-hop blow him right out his half-top Reeboks and Dep Styling Product. We too understand what it must feel like to be undrafted, underappreciated and under-valued for ten-ish seasons (some of us were under-appreciated high school JV tennis players), probably for the same reasons Hansbrough was drafted at 13: not athletic enough, not black enough, not Larry Bird.

It's so damn obvious Hansbrough won't be as dominant in the NBA as he was in college. It has nothing to do with being white, he's just no where near as athletic as most employed NBA forwards. Definitely not as athletic as Teen Wolf, who may have gone number one over-all this year if it weren't for his championing of wolfing in moderation.

A Brief Comparison of Hansbrough and Teen

1. Teen can play center in the NBA. Hansbrough can't. He's not big enough regardless of what people say about his intangible "big" play. Big play, as defined by Teen Wolf, is trouncing the opposing squad with complete disregard for family secrets.

2. Teen can play the point. Hansbrough has Dwight Howard-like finesse. See my previous post An Open Letter to Dwight Howard.

3. Teen can play forward even with Chubby chewing an Almond Joy mid-court. I'm not convinced T to the Y could have the same effect on a squad of the 5 worst draft picks in the past 10 years. The Big Two: Stromile Swift and Hansbrough Win 3rd NBA Title.

Nah.

Instead, I'm thinking T-Hans is more of an off-the-bench forward; an energizer. Teen defined the role of energizer so not like that, more like a Lisa "Boof" Marconi or a Rupert "Stiles" Stilinski, keeping the bleachers stylish and in stitches. Plus, on a team that already has a few Mick McAllister's in Danny Granger, Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy, someone's gotta be jivin' the bench.

So c'mon Legs, lighten up, questioning athleticism (white, black or Turkish) is kind of the point of the draft, no? If we just went on stats, accolades and intangibles from college, high school and Euro leagues, the Nuggets should have one damn good white player in Nikoloz Tskitishvili who, by the way, was picked over Nene, Amare Stoudamire AND Caron Butler! Just be happy you got your own Pamela Wells, or many of them, and let the racial politics be.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

So the NBA Draft happened, despite the death of the King of Pop. (As an aside, how pissed off is Farrah Fawcett's ghost right now? All people will say is "Oh yeah, she died on the same day as Michael Jackson, right?" until, oh, the apocalypse.) And a funny thing happened: all of the sudden, I can't go through a 30-minute ESPNews cycle without hearing a bunch of talk about our local cagers. There are two reactions to the T-Wolves draft that seem to be prevalent:

1. What the fuck was David Kahn thinking?
2. What the fuck was David Kahn thinking?

This, in response to Kahn taking two point guards with the numbers 5 and 6 overall picks. (Also, some advice for Kevin Love: maybe it's time to close the Twitter account.) It should come as no surprise to both of the Pierre Page's regular readers that I am ecstatic about how the draft turned out for the Wolves.

The prevailing sentiment leading up to the draft was that Kahn wanted two of these three players with his two top picks: Ricky Rubio, Tyreke Evans and Hasheem Thabeet. When Thabeet and then Evans got taken, Kahn jumped on Rubio like a Spaniard jumping on a poor photo-op decision. Then the baffling part: immediately afterwards, Kahn took Jonny Flynn, another point guard, this one decidedly less shaggy and less Spanish. Immediately, Jay Bilas et al started speculating about a deal in the works to get rid of one of the two, and fairly so: both Flynn and Rubio are pure point guards, so keeping both of them seems a bit silly.

Here's why I love the Timberwolves' draft strategy: right away, Rubio said he may not play in the NBA next season, if the Wolves keep him (instead of trading him to a bigger-market team). Say he stays in Spain, or goes to Turkey. The Wolves can keep his rights, and Kahn has made it clear he's building for about 2011-12. So let him go play. We can find out if Flynn is an NBA starter-caliber point guard. If he is, and I think he is, that puts leverage with Kahn and the Wolves. They can say, "Look, as an organization, we're doing just fine with Flynn, we're happy with him, etc." and wait for an exceptional deal for either Flynn or Rubio. And exceptional deals are out there: according to Kahn, one executive has already called him and offered one "untouchable" player on his roster, plus two other players, in exchange for the rights to Rubio.

Then, as a bonus, he takes Ty Lawson (another PG), with their 18th pick, trades him to the Nuggets for a future draft pick, but it's one that originally belonged to the perpetually awful Charlotte Bobcats. Beautiful. My man boner is officially cemented.

I think Kahn is a genius right now. Perhaps it's the reflected glow of simply not being Kevin McHale. (As an aside, I wish people would just stop saying that Glen Taylor wanted someone else more, and settled on Kahn after all other options fell through. This is the same Glen Taylor that had reiterated, with every shred of evidence to the contrary, that McHale was doing a great job, year in and year out. Just shut up already.)

I'm Glad I'm Not Mark Sanford

I know this is a sports blog, but if you're bored, and want an entertaining read, check out Columbia, SC newspaper The State's article detailing emails between Mark Sanford and his Argentinian mistress here. My favorite part is how he keeps on promising to send her the DVD of the shitty 2006 romantic comedy "The Holiday". Priceless.

The Pierre Page has learned that the 2009 NBA Draft will be taking place this very evening. We have also learned that our favorite never-rans, the Minnesota Timberwolves, have 1-2-3-4! first round draft picks after having dealt a couple of players to Flip Saunders' new team, the Washington Bullets. It almost seems like David Kahn is intent on getting back the draft picks his predecessor gave away post-Joe Smith scandal all at once.

So will the Timberwolves actually end up with four new guaranteed contracts on their team this upcoming season? My money is on "No", even with Glen Taylor's seemingly endless supply of Good Money thrown after Bad (see: Wally Szczczzerbiak, Terrell Brandon, Troy Hudson, Marko Jaric). As stated before, the Page has a distinct pro-Spaniard, pro-shaggy hair bias that leads us to believe that the best fit for this franchise is one Ricardo Rubio of Spain, Brandon Jennings' opinion notwithstanding. I think when this draft is looked back on in a few years, it will be unanimous that Rubio was the best player. Find a way to make it happen, Kahnsy.